Prince Harry’s partying days are over for now—according to a new report from The Daily Express, at least. Sources tell the British publication that Meghan Markle has inspired Prince Harry to give up alcohol during her pregnancy, and it doesn’t stop there: The Duke of Sussex also reportedly kicked caffeine and tea beverages. The royal family, per this story, is “amazed” at the change.
But here’s my question: What does he drink during high tea with the queen if not, well, high tea? Tap water? Sparkling water? A strawberry-kiwi Capri Sun? For the love of Queen Elizabeth II’s corgis, please let it be a strawberry-kiwi Capri Sun.
Of course, take this report with a grain of salt. We don’t really know what’s in Harry and Meghan’s fridge—besides roast chicken—and the sources who talked to The Daily Express sound like former frat bros annoyed that he swapped Natty Lights for Smartwater.
Take this quote as Exhibit A: “Considering he’s been a pretty brutal drinker since he was a young teenager, it’s quite an achievement,” a source says about Prince Harry’s newfound love for a crisp La Croix. Um, “brutal drinker”? Did Prince Harry mix shards of glass with his cocktails?
The same source also told The Daily Express that Prince Harry’s new stance on drinking “doesn’t make him the most entertaining party guest in the world” anymore, which is just rude. Prince Harry is fun, alcohol or not. Remember when he made funny faces at that little girl while holding a bag of popcorn? I want to hit the clubs with that guy, even if all we drink is Diet Coke.
“He was always fidgeting and on the go, always looking for the next thrill,” the insider added. “He was a great laugh, but it was always very full on.” Wait, so Prince Harry isn’t fun? Please direct your attention to the time he sang a portion of Hamilton back in August. If that’s not the definition of a good time, what is?
“All she did was show him there’s another way to live and he’s become a huge fan,” a second unnamed source close to Prince Harry told The Daily Express. “He eats well, doesn’t poison his body, exercises, does a bit of yoga, and is a lot happier.” Again with the extremities. Poison!
Real talk, though: If Prince Harry is making strides to get healthier both for himself and Meghan—who’s pregnant with their first child—that’s admirable. But let’s stop acting like the fun is over once you put the keg away. Prince Harry can still hang, people (and kegs are never that fun, anyway)